“The best way out is always through.” ― Robert Frost
I have done a plethora of research on gastric sleeve and one of the things I keep coming back to is the emotional journey patients go through when and after making the decision to have the procedure. Having a counseling background, I understand this to be true, but experiencing it first hand is something completely different.
I am currently in the 12 day pre-op, liquid-only diet phase required before my surgery next Tuesday. Days one through four were fairly easy: Premier Protein shake for breakfast, water, water, water, sugar-free Jell-O cup, water, water, water, protein-enhanced broth for lunch, water, water, water, sugar-free popsicle, water, water, water, protein packed yogurt for supper, water, water, water...etc. I was actually surprised at how easy it was going and how not hungry I was, especially after reading some of the heartfelt, albeit over-dramatic, anguish expressed by others in the online support groups.
And then day five...
I was up ALL night with stomach cramps and gastric upset. I believe I finally drifted off to sleep around 5:30 a.m., after taking two Benadryl, and then up again at 9:30 a.m. to walk my desperate dogs. I texted my mother and told her what was going on - she's a worrier - and that I was headed back to bed. When my body finally allowed me to wake up, it was 1:30 p.m. and I had time-sensitive work to do for next school year. I retrieved my first meal of the day - Premier Protein shake - and took to my computer to begin. And that is when the dam broke.
Overwhelmed.
Confused.
Sobbing... and I mean sobbing uncontrollably.
The work I was beginning was difficult, but it did not deserve all of that. Then I remembered the words I had read online: "It's horrible!" "I can't do this!" "Why are they starving me?" "I licked a French fry. I just couldn't take it anymore!"
Yes, that last one is humorous, but believe me, you really feel that way. Every commercial on TV, add on social media, smell in the air seems like it is on the attack against you. Satan is coming at you, wielding a cheeseburger and chocolate malt. And your are defenseless - stomach playing a death dirge, mouth salivating, cravings uncontrollable. I had to get out of the house, if for nothing but to escape my own mind.
But I've also learned something from those manic moments of yesterday: I have never known hunger before. Food has always been a fingertip's distance. Intellectually I realize that I am a boredom/social eater, but the psychology in the moment processes different. Your brain tells you, "I'm starving. I need the {insert your choice of junk food here}."
I have and will likely never starve. It is possible to survive on an all liquid (with protein) diet. I can and will make the changes necessary to be healthy - physically and mentally.
Today is day six. I'm still struggling, but I will make it. I will go through and come out stronger.
CW - 264
GW - 170
Surgery - July 19, 2022
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